the sinner me

this is today.
long time...i didnt rite a blog on this page.
time hi nahi tha, my `batch` was a life in itself...and i was pretty much engrossed in it.
up today, things have to get back to place...things = me.
yes...somebody corrected me, every second, and then i ask? was i made the way i am, or i made myself into the way i am.
confusions..yet more...yet many, and i know its just 22 years tha i have walked over this earth, this beautiful...lovely earth.
no..i am not a sinner, but i sinned....not wid anyone else ...but with myself.
life is too dear to be cheap. did i? i didnt...then?
this page i know would not sense to me once i have penned it down...
aaj fir usko apni faltu baato se bore karunga....
pata nahi kitni der? time aaj tak kabhi dekha nahi...
am aashish....its for me to remember.....cheers...

my first day in kgp

(part 1 of 4)

My first day in kgp , kharagpur to the lesser mortals…..well the topic it self sucks…(if we take lives in black and white), but lets proceed coz I cd not get a topic more discrete than this.

So here is it all happened. Me and elder bro arrived at the kgp station…perplexed a bit by its never ending domains. As soon as we rallied ourselves out of the station we could see people, lotsa them. As blank..as happy..as nerds ..as the two of us.

IIT IIT, there were those ricks, autos, cars…

Driven by our long romance with rickshaws back home in gaya, we preferred a rick.five kms down the road and I knew I was in for a butcher, coz what I saw all through this 5 ksm was nothing but torn, broken , mudded skeleton pieces of a railway colony. Nothing like the fancied cities of my never seeking dreams. And then it arrived ` INDIAN INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY`

I just love my lucks, finally am at the place where I always wanted to be I thought..including a lots of so whats:

o so what if I made a backdoor entry..anyhow got 3266

o so what if the palce sucks more than gaya does

o so what if I saw very few gals at the station back

o so what if I have to spend 5 long ripening yrs of my life there.

And that’s the volume 1. issue 1

thiteen lives

"raah mein ruk kar , paon se ..katein nikalne walo
yeh guma hai agar, toh junun kamyab kya hoga?"

these are lines which are imprinted over the leaf of my heart..deep and clear. i remember the day when i was there, attending the farewell function of standard 10th, when my principal sir uttered those life changing lines. something struck me, something struck me slowly yet..surely. and then was the time....

move 5 yrs down the line, new people, new place, new circumstances....
do u really regret anything in life mr. AASHISH AGRAWAL?


WELL... i must be a nerd if i say YES.
for iit has given me more than that, more than the iit tag which i love so very much, more than even the alien status for the non-iitians( which i really hate)

it has given me a chance to see, love, hate, fight and live with...thirteen lives.

the idea was actually presented long time back by sachin...( so copyright ka ullanghan hai thoda)
but no other title suited me more.

and this is just teh first page i have written for my long story that titles ` thirteen lives`


chalna hai humein saath, aur hum chalenge
ki ruk jana hamari , suraj ki fitrat hai.
ujalo mein woh honge aur, jo rahein dhoondha karte hai
humein to andhero mein ai dost, safar karne ki aadat hai.

tumse door

tumse door...socha hoon abhi,
kya batoon kya ho gaya...laga yoon ..ab sunya hua.
par fir wahi ek muskaan , tumhari jo ..
har din ko khusnuma kar deti hai...
soch ke daalano mein utri ek pal ko.
aur saaari dooriya bemani lagne lagi.
sab mushkile jaise hal ho gayi,
kya hua ki door hain.....
aur kitne door hai dekho toh...
kabhi matlab samjhaya karte the doori ka...
shayad tumko yaad ho.
abhi yahi ho...us samay bhi yahi the...
tab bhi yahi to , warna aur kaha rahoge?
fir dooriya jo khud ko samjhe ....
faasle khusfahmiyo ki zindagi hai kaat rahe..
ki shayad hum door hai...hai kya?

tagged

O THREE NAMES I GO BY

o aashi
o aashu
o aashish

O THREE SCREEN NAMES I GO BY

o ataraxis
o go_i_must
o aashish_iitkgp

O THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF

o peace maroing
o straight forwardness
o ma hairs


O THREE THINGS I DONT LIKE ABOUT MYSELF

o what to do?
o laziness
o honesty



O THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME

o bhopalee`s mails
o ghosts
o being bored


O THREE ESSENTIALS

o undergarments
o hairs
o money

O THREE OPPOSITE SEX THINGS

o love
o coyishness
o everything else

O THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BADLY RIGHT NOW

o pee
o dance
o end this

O THREE CAREERS I AM CONSIDERING RIGHT NOW

o management
o software
o architecture

O THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO ON A VACATION TO

o any island
o mars
o home

O THREE THINGS I WANNA DO BEFORE I DIE

o Marriage
o write my will
o have kids

O THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ

o shantanu
o alka
o anisha

blog a day...keeps boriyat away

kgp
0249 hrs
16th sep, 2005


there are times when u are busy, and there are other times...when u are really free. and there are still times when u are bored of this freedom of urs. urs truly is being butchered by thsi stupid freedom yet again....does not know whats up in life...well new day...new resolution......a blog a day...

yaad..

Mera naam lene se honth katarte hain.
Aankhein milti hain to nazar churate hain.
Meri aawaz aayegi …tum sunna chod doge
Meri baat hogi….tum kehna chod doge
Meri yaad aayegi…dil ko dhadkana chod doge
Meri khushboo aayegi…..kya sans lena chod doge!

Jisne humko chaha hum use chah na sake
Jisko humne chaha hum use pa na sake
Dil tootane ka khel hai samajhiye
Kisi ka toda ..aur apna bacha na sake!

intezaar

seepon ki tadap hai saawan ki pyaas ka
lehron ko aas hai barkha ki fuhar ka
saaz ko chaahat hai raag ki aagaaz ka
foolon ko khwahish hai bhauron ki pukaar ka
kuchch is kadar mere gustakh dilke armaan machalte hain
inhe bhi to intezaar hai aapke deedar ka.!

tera saath mile

Tera saath mile ye mumkin nahi
Tera pyar mil sake ..aisi kismat nahi

Kash ki beete lamhon ki fiza fir se ho rangeen
Aur aap hamare saath hon..aye mere humnasheen
Chaha ki waqt ki bahon se chheen laoon tumhe…
Par dil ne kaha
Ye muhabbat nahi

Pehle dosti ki haath tha
Meri baat ki lay mein bhi aapki awaz ka saaz tha
Kyun zid poori ki tumhaari
Karte bhi kya
Tum humse rooth jaao..
Hamari to ye hasrat nahi

Afasana ishq ka adhoora raha
Armaan dil ka na poora hua
Hum gavan baithe dil ka sukoon..
Par unhe to iska ilm hi nahi
Aye khuda! ye Khudai teri ibadat nahi

Dil ke mausam hue banjar se
Hum to jaise ho gaye hain beghar se
Dard mile aur aah bhi na bhare
Ho bhi bhala kaise….
Ye kudrat nahi

Kya aarzo hai meri hum keh na sake
Dil ki khamosh aawazein tum sun na sake
Tum bewafa ho ..ye haqiqat nahi
Jaante hain ..ki ye khamoshi teri nafrat nahi!

anjaam abhi baki hai..

Dil dhadakta tha pehle bhi magar
Aisi tadap na thi.

Lab takraye the pehle bhi magar
Rooh yun jalti na thi.

Hosh khoya pehel bhi magar
Saansein yun ulajhati na thi.

Kaisa uns hai ye…
Kaisi chahat hai jo har ghadi tadpati hai

Kaisi aag hai ye …
Jala kar humein jo aazmati hai.

Kaisi hai ye sharab….
Madhosh kar dil ki pyas aur badhati hai

Is qadar pyar karne lage hain kyun bekhabar hoke hum
Sambhal ja aye dil-e-nadan
Dar lagta hai humein….
Ki ye to aagaz hai……anjaam abhi baaki hai….

kaisi chali hawa

kaisi chali hawa, jo kuchch yun chu kar gayee
chua kya, soyi ruh ko jaga diya
madhosh hawa ne aisa maara, ki bas jeena sikha diya

honth muskurahat ko bhool gaye the
dil ki chahat ki nami aankhon se chalakti thi
gawan baithe the jo dil ka sukoon, yun laut ke aayega.... kabhi socha na tha.......
ki khuda bhi mujhpe aisi bandagi farmaayega

purwa chali aisi ki bikhar ke simatne lage
hum ik parchhayi mein
armaan dil ke, fir se pighalne lage, us chuan ki tapish mein

koshish to lakh ki dil ko samjhane ki
par dil hi to hai, aadat se majboor
chaaha to bahut ki na chahoon, par kyun chahne lagi ye jaana bhi nahi

bas ab to har pal yahi sochti hoon
ye falak mera nahi, ye fiza bhi meri nahi
kya waasta hai inka mujhse ki lagte kyun hain kuchch apne se

ye jo rangeen karke mere khwaabon ko
fir wahi...
chaahtoon ka toota paimaana .
silwaton mein dabi yaadein....
aur nam kar meri aankhon ko
ye chanchal hawa beh jaayegi
falak dhoondh lenge ek naya aashiyaan
aur fiza kahin aur rangeen ho jaayegi!

intezaar aur sahi

Dhadkan jo badal gayi hai
Saansein jo ulajh gayi hain.., kabhi suljahe nahi
Itni si khwayish leke jeete hain
Jaan aur jigar kya
Lahu banke meri nas nas mein vo behte hain

Ek mulakat ki zustuzoo hai kabse
Apne behakte dil ko sambhalein bhi ito kaise
Aarzo koi itni badi bhi to nahi
Ise dil se nikale bhi to kaise?

Ishq samandar mein
Reh reh ke armaanon ki lehar jo uthati hai
Kahin baha na le jaye hamein , hum darte hain
Hath badhake thaam lo humein….ki ab to jaan-o- hosh gavan bhaithe hain

Ab aisa alam hai dil ka kya kahein
Har lamha marte hain…ek aag mein pal pal jalte hain
Sukhe labon se , pyasi nazron se jab bhi dekha unhe
Vo muskurate hue keh jaate hain…….

“Zindagi bahut lambi hai..
Aur hum hain to aapke hi…..
Mulaqat to honi hai jaan
Bas kuchh pal!……intezaar aur sahi! “

raining...

2237 hrs
Monday

And the drops …..quench the thirst . its raining man….aaj dopahar ja bahar jar aha tha..there was a miniature pond outside the hall. and i went ..chhapak chhapak, just like a kid would.

Have always wondered why the rains fascinate me tat very much, why…I always say that life is a rain…to be got drenched.why do I not need an umbrella to secure myself….Questions ..which have formed my very blueprint. Whom, I love as I would not any answer in this life.

Called her in the evening, and again some questions…which pulse controls smiling…and why is it active whenever I talk to her.Watched a movie or two, is life about loving someone, or about being loved by someone. Many would argue they are one and the same, though I feel they are earth and sky. But love is a bliss, beyond any of my questions or those of the world, it’s a feeling which is satiated only by itself….

Life is love…feel it..
aashu

tumse..

Saamna, tumse…
Ei jindagi, fir ho gaya.
Fir khwabo ki us pagdandi mein,
Mann yeh mera kho gaya.
Wo jo ek pal,
Wo jo ik kadam,
Main jab ruka, ruk kar chala,
Dil ruka nahi, jo gaya.
Muskaan ko bahane,
Chahiye hote the lakho pehle,
Par kya pata, tab toh maano,
Muskurana ,
Saans lena ho gaya.
Saamna jab ho gaya,
Thamna mushkil ho gaya,
Khud ko, khudai ko,
Kya karein hum,
Jo likha tha , ho gaya.

Barsaat ke din aaye

Barsaat ke din aaye…
Aaye…nam ho gayi  har ik pyaas..
Soch ke tadag mein, boondon ne ..
Ek maikada banaya tha..
Saki ko muddato baad, fir aa gayi hamari yaad.
Barsaat ke din aaye…
Dhuan uthne laga har shabnam se..
Jin badalo ne neeend ke sapne the dekhe…
Muddatein beeti, fir gaye who jaag
Barsaat ke din aaye….
Tumhe sochne laga mera mann..
Fir se machle who jajbaat

for u...

lissome she stands,
epitomizing tenderness.
a glance down,and a beauty mounts.
Walks she, and the breezes follow.
stars twinkle somewhere in the deep.
she touches, and makes life so easy.
smiles,and let u smile, all the way.
its for her, that love is,
its all her, else its nothing.
there is this girl...somewhere in you.
it is not about you , you will say,
yes but its about her.
and i love both of you.

Slowly ran the wind

Slowly ran the wind.
While I lay asleep…
Slowly ran the wind…
took my outer peal away.
Hitherto I lay,
unknown of what has been my fate.
I rose…
to the surprises of my GODS.
Accentuating To discover
what was left and what was gone?
What was false and what was me?
What was all…..and what was none?
Fortunately or what I had,
A mirror just besides my bed…
A glimpse on it , told the whole story.
The gone part was me, the left was thee.
Is it love…I yelled:
I don’t wanna die
So do I love life.
No answer..then the second question:
Are u life..or life is you?
I know only this…I love you.

love at kashinath mode

Certain roads in life are straight; while certain abscond you puzzled as to where they are leading you to, with their turns. Same goes with the feeling they christen `love` on most junctures you don’t discern if its love or scarcely a deliberation that you are in love.

It dates back to preceding summer break. I was in my hometown for my accustomed break off with KGP for two and a half months. Few days passed and I chanced to meet HER. Our foremost interface was over net, date I don’t remember, one day she revealed that she would call up at 3 and I hurried home to formulate that nobody gets hold of the phone before my hands seize the receiver. She was dot on time (which I discovered shortly), the phone tinkled at 3, an opening slice of interaction, all the invariable mind-numbing stuffs….hobbies, likes, dislikes…blah blah. I solicited for her number; she notified that ….she is a gal so…it’s a bit intricate. Better. I thought….the magpie that I was. The calls begun to come on alternate days….and then in an affair of days I got her number too. As any Arian would ask, I asked her out for a date.

DATE…IN GAYA??? Are you in ur senses??
Toh…you don’t want to meet or what??
Nahi aisa nahi hai..par you know…

No I did not know. How could I? All I wanted was an outing where we could talk face to face. After two or three days of making excuses, she finally gave in.

11 am, (don’t remember the date again) I receive a call from her, I had to dash to a restaurant which was nearby , at a place known as KASHINATH MOD inside 15 minutes, if I sought to discover her that day. I had to, and well, I rushed. As I said, she is punctual, she greeted me well out there….had reached before me, and I was awed, really. I thought ….GOOD. She then furnishes me an idea that her best buddy is dropping to meet me too, I was …like …’why not’. Which MAN would escape a prospect of congregating with two picturesque females on the same day and time? I just endeavored to reminisce as to whose face did I glimpse in the sunup, could have been none other than that of my sugary lil bhatiji tashu `s.
Anyway, things moved on, after some time, her friend dropped in, attired in pink to murder. My mind prayed,” Oh GOD!, why don’t these gals swap names?”…and what luck. I would have acquired whatever I sought that day, for they actually had switched their names. INTERESTING. It was actually the later gal which was destined to come first, I mean she was my actual fresh friend. The other young lady hinted appropriately that its not ethical to disturb two (of opposite sex) friends, so she left. And to her and my gratification, I let her.

Now the talks with the real one. We got to coagulate well, as they say, and I knew that things gonna roll pretty swift, as I didn’t have a great deal time left in Gaya, not at least for that year.
The rendezvous got ended with the fixing of next date, and amid the two, myriad calls were exchanged, from either surface. I was watching every budge of hers intimately as to what does she crave and does it overlap with what I covet. She had gifted a lot of handcrafted friendship cards, that disregarded some ingredient of my mind’s that corner, which had clogged to believe that I can have just-friends in gals too. But that was unquestionably not what I wanted, and her moves proclaimed that she too for sure wanted something better. BETTER?? THAN FRIENDSHIP?? FORGET IT.

Yes, we both craved for something else, leave better, something exciting, as far as I was concerned. Days were evaporating, as my registration date in KGP was looming me. The last DATE was designed, accordingly. And there I was, on the last date with her before I go back to KGP, I had the train the very next day. Encouraged by my childhood friend Amit and my optimistic Arian etiquettes, I contemplated that this is the absolute day, fix it or forget it. Meeting time and situate were the same. Only alteration was, we both had promised each other a surprise. I didn’t discern what was hers, but mine was a red rose and a `BE MINE` card, with an in-written love note. I veiled both the rose and card inside my jacket and reached the restaurant, where she was already present, as forever, before me. And guess what….there she was on this very special day (at least for me) accompanied by two of her high-quality friends. I was devastated, to say the least, but proscribed myself somehow.

So, whats the gift you told you had to give me?
Haan ..i have it, ruko na , dungi thodi der mein, let them go, my friends.

She was pulling me, I knew and the giggles of the threesome worsened the tension indoors of me. “For god’s sake, leave”, I yelled within my heart for the two trespassers. Seems some enchantment worked…as they attended my most earnest implicit petition and departed. Leaving only two of us there. Alone and only.

Yah ! what about the surprise now??
Ruko bhi…accha why are you sitting opposite, come here sit next to me.

God..Something was in store for me I discerned; I went and located myself on the seat next to her. And something inside me began to beat faster.

Ok! Much of suspence, Will you reveal the surprise, if you have any ,ya nahin??
God, can’t you wait for a second kya aashu??

Off cource I could, but that one second seemed like a year to me, and she knew it , and was enjoying it to her giggles .

Ok ok, dikhati hoon, close your eyes,
Fine…so I am gonna get a first hand smooch on this date kya, exulting haan.
Shut up!! You…
Things were not as rosy as I thought, but they were ornate anyhow. She put something in my hands, whence I unbolted my eyes, I saw a very dedicatedly hand-crafted picture portrait boasting my name written in diverse ways and with diverse things, and inside, when I opened with great buoyancy, was written~ TO MY BEST FRIEND, WITH LOVE~
ALAS! I thought, A BEST FRIEND?? All this dramebaji and a best friend? It’s a pity, how unthoughtful I can become at times when there are times like this. No, I won’t defy her reliance in me, I won’t let my enigma out onto her, I decided and said,

I am goin back to the opposite seat; it won’t be good if someone sees us in this arrangement.
Arre ! kyun..dekhne do jise dekhta hai, I don’t care.

I don’t care, said she. As if I did. Did i?

Ok fine, yahin baithta hoon, don’t say later ki I didn’t warn you ok na.
Haan ok, be here only.
She kept on enquiring me about my revelation that I had promised her, I said that I forgot it at home and that I didn’t bring anything, but to be honest, I was annoyed from within.
How can I read her hints so wrongly, was that all she sought to say?? What about all the things done and difficulties she and I had taken just to converse or meet each other?? Do we do this for best friends?? Yes we do. But what’s to hide in that. Best friends don’t proclaim their friendship in a secluded restaurant, they do not cut the phone line when their mumma`s watch them chatting. Do they? They don’t.
Nah... I wont let her amuse with me like this…I said to my self and then to her..
I thought I wd better give her the surprise.

Close your eyes , I have to give u something.
Hey I am not closing, tumhara kya bharosha??
C’mon!! bharosha nahi tha to milne kyun aayi thi??
Off..i am kidding baba, kya hai?
Nothing..just close your eyes.i have the surprise for you.

Her eyes closed…once I thought how do we say, do we say it directly with a kiss? What if she slaps me back? What if she bursts into tears? What a pervert I was turning into. Ultimately, I chose the better way. I put the rose in her hands and took the card out… and asked her to open the eyes….looking in her eyes, I read the words that I had penned down in the cards…and off course they ended with…` BE MINE`
There she was, with a twinkle in her eyes, and maybe a tear or two …

Could you not say it earlier Aashu….you are a real rascal.
God..and what is this big best friend thing that you have cooked, haan?
Toh main kya karti…..i thought you are not interested.
Arre… how can you think so when I said......off course I was interested


I fancy sometimes as to “WAS I REALLY INTERESTED”. And if I was, what was it basically that I was interested in. In her? In loving her? In making her my beloved? Or just flirting with her? These are the questions I have never dared to answer, neither to her…nor to myself. But I know for sure…there is a time …which awaits both of us. to face the truth…and that is LOVE for you, topsy-turvy and unexplainable ..just the way some turns (like the one at KASHINATH MOD) in life are.




Aashu

dhadakna chahata hai

dhadakna chahata hai dil,
ki kab tak isko roke hum.
kabhi rah rah ke karwat le,
kabhi has has ke , ro ke hum.
hamari uljhano ki rah,
kabhi suljhe, na chahe hum.
hamari dhadkano ki chah,
nahi hai bas wo rah-e-gum.
kabhi nabh ke sitaro ko,
kabhi hatho ki kagaro ko,
kabhi dil ke isharo ko...
ki denge kitne dhoke hum.
sisak hoti to ro lete.
jo daulta woh...to kho dete.
magar yeh kyun ki roohe jindagi hai woh.
magar ye kyun ki har is aashiqui hai woh.
magar yeh kyun ki ab bas tisnagi hai woh.
humein hai zustazu jine ki, ei manjar....

near..yet far

clouds of merry wishes ,
drop bliss of love.
in the path love gears.
the distances happiness left,
were coerced,by the tears.
they say, its none,
we know, its us.
however sun may shun,
the day has just begun.
am far away u say?
well i am,
if want the world to measure.
come on, how the world wold know.
really wanna decifer?
put two hearts together,
and we live this far...
and this is all its near.

sarhado par awaaz

sarhado par, dil ke, awaaz hui.
fir se?
haan fir se.
jaane kisko dekh liya ki,
khud ko lagne lage hum,
kafir se.
kya pahle bhi aisa hua kabhi?
shayad haan.
to kyun, ab fir se?
to kya, ab fir se?
haan fir se.
arse beete, beet gaya dil,
guzar gaye the hum mahfil se.
fir kyun aaj maikashi ki zustaju,
fir kyun aaj saki ki hamnawaji,
ki chah uthti hai,
is dil se.

rekindled..

looks like, life is just today..
the time takes, the heart away.
accentuated expressions of a fille,
perspire dreams, longings stay.
feels like, the watch zeroes.
the me, steps ..and jams.
runs away, stops, hibernates,
now and then , the pulse rams.
was not the same , the date that day.
was not the name, just for the sake.
i was here , and there was me.
at least as much, as i could see.
love , rekindled...without fire.
and whom can i blame..but thee.

woh apni ankho mein

woh apni ankho mein...zindagi chupaye baithe hain.
hamare liye charage rooh ki shamma jalaye baithe hai.

humein toh yahin nahi tha , is shay pe.kya pata tha ,
woh hamare dil ko apna banaye baithe hai.

aashiqui ki fursato mein hum shikva kiya kiye.
shikvo ko hamare woh, shikva banaye baithe hai.

kabhi us raah mein kadam padte toh sihar jate the.
raah se hum un tak ka safar lagaye baithe hain.

vachal nayan

shant hai nayan tumhare,
shayad kuchh kehna chahte hain.
kya dosh doon in nayno ko.
hontho ke aage kya bisat,
dekho to mere haalat.
sochte hi sochte,
insaan se bhagwan ho gaya.
par sochta hi to raha.
shant hai jo nayan tumhare,
sayad hai kuchh..jo chhup raha.
lekin chhupa jo sadiyo se,
kaise prakat ho, kya pata?
lagta jo prakat, wahi hota hai paroksh.
jahir itna hi karte hain,
tumhare yeh vachaal nayan.

this moment

this moment also gasped,
and went away.
the world went flying again,
leaving me in dismay.
the frozen veins , the snow`ed blood,
the still`ed vision, how i cherish.
how i long the night does not end.
holding u , glancing u...
the eyes, the enchanted senses,
the sparks ur love sends.
ignite my being, its being.
how i wish the the day does not come,
for, its time for souls to meet,
its now, when the life runs.

who said it ?

who said it? did i? some people do not let the mystery get divulged. what is friendship then i wonder. two years give you zillion of time, and zillions of times.not really. for, why else would you not know what hides , why else would you not be able to decifer what is unobvious.

when was the last time you fell ill? did you utter any other word then 'mom'?
can friends replace ur mom ?can ur mom replace ur frnds? not really. the true issence of life is not in replacing but placing things at right spot, at right time, when the right persons are seeing.

do u remain in fear? does something bother you? why ...and why not?do you think a professor will deregister you if u bunk a class?
well if he does...he is not wrong, and if u bunk u are not right. but who cares? do u? at times you ought to know that life is not actually about sharing..as much as it is about caring.

when was the last time u think you were living?
rite now? not really.

Slowly ran the wind

Slowly ran the wind.
While I lay asleep…
Slowly ran the wind…
took my outer peal away.
Hitherto I lay,
unknown of what has been my fate.
I rose…
to the surprises of my GODS.
Accentuating To discover
what was left and what was gone?
What was false and what was me?
What was all…..and what was none?
Fortunately or what I had,
A mirror just besides my bed…
A glimpse on it , told the whole story.
The gone part was me, the left was thee.
Is it love…I yelled:
I don’t wanna die
So do I love life.
No answer..then the second question:
Are u life..or life is you?
I know only this…I love you.

be there

be here,
i know not if i need you.
but my being, sure does.
dont part,
i may not die..
but my life will stop.
beat inside, enthrall the sense.
accentuate the mentations,
give that petal smile.
dont say , u have to go...
it will not mean sadness,
but soul may succumb.
the petals, half parted,
let me risk..
let me find the touch..
feel the unspoken
for, spoeken they are.
souls they say speak like this.
hold me, clasp me.....
in those shutters...
let us reincarnate this while.

virat and preeti

the leisure period allowed both of them to voyage in their unending oceans of thoughts. and they wd not miss a beat to dive deep into it.

" preeti....are u coming wid us to canteen" ravi blabbered..knowing fully well what answer he gonna get.

" no i thik i will do a bit of revision"

ok!! have fun...

revision. yes...revision she told. and she knew what revision she was talking about. she had to revise the slanted ray of admiration that came from a desk and a half behind. she had to revise the falling of pen and being returned by the same old , virat oberoi.

how often we revise things that we have been forced into. for virat and preeti, it was an unforced revision, of the sweet nothings they exchanged,of the unsaid words they said.

pata nahi.....

pata nahi.....
ki kya hai pata?
hai koshish ki paar paane ki
har woh satah,
aur uska sila...
dhoop ki parchayi ko,
neend ki aankho se,
dekha bhi, aur nahi bhi dekha..
us ek door ke liye.
sab najdikiya bhi laga chhod doon..
par door ka kuchh ,
jawab na mila.

dreams..and truth?

He was gasping for air, running…with no ends in sight. Some turn would see him break, or die. Who knows?

Something is wrong…something is vividly wrong about this place. Why else, u choke? Pessimist? Yeah. And why would an Arian ever be pessimist. Just because he escapes, just because he takes it easy?

Well, , the above are not my lines, and I do not know whose are these, but some while ago…I saw a man running wanting air…or death. And why in dreams? Why can not reality be as dramatic as this? I am not in knowledge. For, I have always been this ignorant.

Dreams have never been sweet to me. Always those dreading devils, warfront, a hand from the back…some villain of the love stories, have been the visitors. Guess I have always actually wanted to meet them in my actual self? And whom do I meet, some people who can not be villains even in drams.

What I conclude is, life this..is better than the dreamworld..and wonder why everyone says this is as good as dream? I love my dreams…but not more than this truth, that they are after all….dreams.

words.....

words,
they have their own path;
trials have been many,
mine and not-mine,
alas! all in agony.

eyes,
however u shun them,will see;
for, they know not , what else to do.
shut them, and they are free.
unbolt..and they will flee.

heart,
palpitates.
beats..for it can`t say no.
loves...for it has a heart.
drenches...blood is wet.
and you know it will stop one time.
till then...its life.

and life...will be lived,
however u deny,
however u defy,
untill when...its death.

rekindled....

looks like,
life is just today..
time takes,
the heart away.
accentuated expressions of a fille,
perspire dreams, longings stay.

feels like, the watch zeroes.
the me, steps ..and jams.
runs away, stops, hibernates,
now and then , the pulse rams.

was not the same ,
the date that day.
was not the name,
just for the sake.i was here ,
and there was me.
at least as much,
as i could see.
love , rekindled...without fire.
and whom can i blame..but thee.

0301 hrs
wednasday
16th march


changes. i used to love them, i really did. and they used to like me as well, it seems. for...they always have been endorsing me without fail. this change, but, has some precarious minitues. it is one which gonna change me completely, if not my life.

academics, they suffer if not taken care of. and i do not take care of them pretty well. out of question. the viva today was a sheer example of that, how many awakenings will turn the page. and will the page turned and worked on. not seems like.

sometimes my being so selfish sucks. can i ever do something which does not involve my personal gain in one form of the other? not really...not at least have a sight to see. architecture of life is so one dimentional, even if i change the perspective, the view is the same.

no more thoughts,one thing which occured to me to write is...i love her.

aashu

for u......

lissome she stands,
epitomizing tenderness.
a glance down and a beauty mounts.
smiles she, and the breezes follow.
stars twinkle somewhere in the deep.
she touches, and makes life so easy,
shies ..and let u smile, all the way.
its for her, that love is,
its all her, else its nothing.
there is this girl...
which is somewhere in you.
it is not about u , u will say,
yah but its about her.
and u both reincarnated together,
.and on this incarnation day..
i know not ...anything,i love both of you.

rain...and me

1612 hrs
dept lab
13 march

problems. do they inform pre coming? must be a joke, did u say? not really.all the while you go on following your heart, never realising that its the heart which cause all the problems. time for the head to be the head. seems like.

yesternite was fun. all the years and the seconds spent making resolutions seem so small in that small moment when you are yourself. all the relations, all the bondages...set free. and you realise that its you and nobody else who really exists. do they? not really. not at least for you. this is not good, that is not bad...who wants to know whats good and whats bad.not me at least, for, if i want ...i would just be a listener. and i hate that.

i used to a good listener. but then...i used to be a good person to. dont know if i am anymore. and faint if u may...i dont want to know too. who will damn get bored by these stuff about stupidity and genuinity. this questionanire itself is very stupid.

the rains poured heavily tonite, and i was lost. sometimes the old has to be ran over to lay foundations for the new. and you dont have to confirm that the new will be stable, coz its the path which matters, not the destination.well...not always.

life ..is a rain...get drenched aashu.

today

Tuesday, March 08, 2005
1928hrs
8th febkgp

how many times have you woke up one and a half hours before the class? run as you may..the time s order is its order. and it ought be respected the way it is. maroing nite outs, seeing the shutters of one capital C, u want to belive, but does not mean, that those who sleep at night are morons. morons...have better things in life to do.

looking back at the missed class, this time by the professor, feels good to be (not) at the recieving at for once in your life. does it. well it really does. and then there are people who can read mind. do u let them, i do. belive me, there cant be any more satisfying act then letting your mind being read.

celebrations have different aspects. the happiness is not in being wet but how to help it if life has dampened. the rythm beats you at times, but at others its you who have to beat the rythm.just that...music has its own rules, life has its own.there are not only seven ways to go about it..and their permutations.so...are we gonna get well tonite.well ...hope so..


aashu